A Visit From A Friend

19 Jul

I don’t even know where to begin talking about the last few weeks. My little world has been turned on its head so many times, I’m not quite sure which way is up anymore. I decided to take a short break from the blog as the posts I had in draft were getting a bit shouty and I thought a little time off would clear my head. I had an old friend coming to stay for a week so I deleted the shouty drafts and closed the laptop, thinking I would come back with fresh ideas and lots to tell about my week’s holiday. Well, that’s sort of what happened.

I did have a lovely week. It was great to see my friend after nearly eighteen months and we had some fun days out. My son had a great time too. So much so that when my friend left, my son declared that he loved him. My son has never said the L-word unprompted, not even to me. I was so surprised that I had to double check. “Yes, love him” was my son’s teary response as he patted his chest. Wow. I’m actually speechless.

My son (I really need a nickname for him) really enjoyed our days out, but in a different way to when we go out with my parents or other mums. He looked more than just happy, he looked pleased. He still talks about my friend’s visit, which was two months ago. When we go out in my car, he points to the passenger seat and reminds me that’s where my friend sat. He asks me to call him on the phone and uses his toy phone to have pretend conversations with him.

I have always believed that being a single parent would not have any kind of negative effect on my son. I can even think of several reasons why being a single parent is better. He is not without male role models as my dad and brother are close by. That week with my friend, however, has made me reconsider my entire belief and I don’t like what I’m thinking. Does my little boy really need a dad? Not a grandad or an uncle, but someone he can call daddy, someone to be there for him whenever he’s needed, someone to be part of our little family.

His own father visits, but that is about it and I am not about to go looking for a bloke just so my son has a dad. But how much is he missing out on? Would he be happier with another parent? What about when he goes to school and realises that most of the other kids have a dad? Am I reading too much into the whole thing? Is it the ‘family’ situation that he misses or did he just take an instant liking to my friend and only misses him? If there are any single parents reading this, I would love to hear from you about your own experience or thoughts on this.

As if that wasn’t enough for my already frazzled brain to cope with, there have been a series of other things which I am unable to write about…yet. I am absolutely exhausted with it all, even though it is mostly all mental stuff it is spilling over into the physical and wearing me out. The days seem to be going by faster than ever and I can’t keep up. Can someone hit the pause button please?

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4 Responses to “A Visit From A Friend”

  1. Mcai7td3 July 20, 2011 at 3:48 pm #

    Ooh tough one, not sure how old your boy is but if he is old enough maybe you could have a chat with him and ask how he’s feeling to see if he’ll let on more. If he sees his dad regularly then maybe it’s just that he’s taken an instant liking to your friend?

    • octarinefire July 20, 2011 at 11:21 pm #

      Thanks for your comment. Little’n is 2 and doesn’t see his dad very often. Don’t think he really understands at the level I’m trying to figure out. Yes, he likes my friend and wants him to ‘come back now’ but he doesn’t get the friend / family difference. x

  2. dichotomyof September 7, 2011 at 8:38 am #

    Hello – I should of left a comment before – when I first read this. I meant to, I started some but in the end just let it stand at the like button which on reflection looks a little creepy. Oh look – I like your soul searching, pass the popcorn…
    Your post, articulate and heartfelt as it is, has crossed my mind several times this summer. Despite long and often repeated periods of doubt I return to the truth that our children will flourish because we love them and we show them our love. I think it doesn’t matter in the end where it comes from. (and in my case how crazy the source is – ha!)In this mornings early hours I was thinking that if we are self aware enough to worry endlessly at these problems surely that’s enough?. Of course I then let the thought that it’s probably the ones we haven’t worried about that will bite us on the arse cross my mind and effectively ended all possibility of sleep. Gah.
    Anyway – months late and slightly left field I just wanted to say I really enjoy your blog and your son sounds bright, gorgeous, happy and wrapped in love. Wishing you all the very best stuff 🙂

    • octarinefire September 7, 2011 at 11:43 pm #

      Thank you. Your comment was actually perfectly timed. That post was written just as I was starting to get my head around life and I thought I was climbing the steep slope back to normality. Of course, now I have gone bump, bump, bump back to the bottom after I thought things couldn’t get much worse, inevitably they did. So your comment has made me smile when I’ve needed it most 🙂

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